So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
