Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
