She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
