I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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