I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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