Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
