when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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