WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
