lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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