what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
