he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
