He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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