Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
