i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
