I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
