I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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