I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
