i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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