Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
