Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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