Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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