Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
