JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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