i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Panties = found
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