HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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