listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Randomize
