ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
