I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
