soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
