a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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