Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
