She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
