btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Randomize
