my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
