Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So much rum. So many feels.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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