I faked an abortion last night.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
