Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
