i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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