you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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