it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think your dad took our porno
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
