Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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