Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
