Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
