I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
