alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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