I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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