I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
