My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
