I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
