Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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