The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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