So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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