just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
